Another poem from *xiooua!


I left my lover on the floor,
arms bent like a lamp cord.

I like those first two lines. The first gets your attention. There's some nifty consonnace there, too. Interesting simile--very limp and helpless.

I, too, am not liking the two ups. English idioms can be tricky in poetry. The repetition of that hard monosyllabic word is a bit jarring. Which is the line you don't want to lose? I like the second use better; it fits in with the lamp.

And he sunk into sand tiles,
his hands were raw and waiting,
and waiting.

I don't know what a "sand tile" is, but I like this closing stanza. The repetition of "waiting" works much better than "up," in my opinion. I feel there's purpose there--it emphasizes the abandonment/longing (at least, that's how I read it).

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Critiquing someone's prose or poetry is an awesome thing to do.
The supremely awesome Mimesis 3 is available now!

I suppose I could lose the line about the ceiling, but I'd rather not. However, the last line of the first stanza is vital, without it the piece loses all it's meaning. And if I do remove one of them, then the stanza will be incomplete. It's frustrating.

And I used sand just to specify the color of the tile, in my usual vague way.

I have no qualms with the second stanza, it sounds exactly as I want it. The repetition of waiting was intentional, the repetition of up was, to me at the time, unavoidable.

Thanks for the comment dear, I owe you a million. I promise I'll get around to your gallery. Double pinkie swears and such.

Aww, I'm too tired for a full critique on this piece right now. But I absolutely love it.

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listen out for the whisper, the whisper on the wind . . .

Thank you!

I really really like this poem! The imagry was so good. The feeling too. The two ups do seem a little hard. Maybe you could do something with the punctuation to soften the repetition?

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It just glitter lust

Thank you!

That's a good suggestion, I can play around with it and see if the punctuation can be changed without destroying it.

I really like this. It's haunting and beautiful. and short. i've always found short poetry to be the most effective.

Thank you! I'm not too fond of this one, but I'm glad you enjoyed it.

This is beautiful. Congrats on the Daily Deviation. :]

I'm really intrigued as to the meaning, though.
Care to divulge, or will you keep us guessing?

I like it.
I especially like the first two lines.

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_{i've got those rolled back eyes, but nothing's clouding my vision.}