This is beautiful. Remarkable even, the assonance asserted throughout the piece, wonderful.

My only qualm is threw, shouldn't it be through. I tried reading it multiple ways, as if what occurred to you actually threw this breeze, which would be interesting. So I suppose, if it's intentional, it's do-able.

Otherwise, wonderful work.

Wow I totally can't believe I used threw, thanks for catching that for me, I don't know how it slipped by.

you're right, you know...

The only thing throwing me off is the but. Or more accurately, what follows it...I kind of think, so? I love the image, but I don't quite see the significance that gives it the need for a 'but'. For me, a 'still' between 'belly' and 'chimed' would fix that, but I'm not sure it's in harmony with what you want in the work.

My other one word suggestion is for an 'even' between 'were' and 'open', or somewhere similar. I really like the idea, but I wanted just that little teensy bit more emphasis on it. But again, it may change the meaning too far from what you intended.

This is all tiny stuff. I'm loving the colours and sensory ideas I'm getting from this poem...just reading it and soaking in the images rather than contemplating the meanings. For what it's worth on this end, it feels very much like an insect poem to me - soft, buzzing, slightly jittery. I love that sort of collective feeling from a poem.

Good one.

Thank you! I can see a still being used between "belly" and "chimed" - I'll definitely look into that and see if I like how it reads.

I'm going to have to be stubborn about the second stanza though, I really think that adding "even" there would disrupt the flow too much for my liking. I'm usually very modest, but I think the flow I achieved in the second stanza is the best I've ever done.

I may make a recording of this and put it up, your welcome to come back and listen (whenever I get around to putting it up) and offer anymore suggestions, I know sometimes when a poem is spoken people can catch negatives or positives.

Thank you nonetheless for your comment though, I appreciate the critique very much, I really don't get many. I'll try and return the favor next time I pay your gallery a visit, but I'm not always very constructive.

No problem, being stubborn in its place is good. And the flow is good.

Hmm, I'm not personally one for recordings. Mostly because while I have fast internet, student housing makes me pay a lot for what I download. And as far as my own work goes, I usually use poetry as a contrasting hobby to studying music, and after thirty hours a week of singing I want to get as far away from audio as I can.

You're welcome, I'll try pop back and critique some more. Won't promise because I know I tend to forget things, but I'm certainly interested in reading some more of your work on that sort of level.

No problem, I'm going to come back to your gallery, so perhaps that will serve as a reminder.

infectiously insectic. i can dig it. bravo.

--
my enemy said to me, "love your enemy."
and i obeyed him and loved myself. gibran

But it was all too short lived. the hurtful and unwanted were to die as quickly as the relationship which spawned its sight.

reads like a short lasting fling gone sour recovery poem. a good SLFGSR, but still.
as for phrasing and the actual style of the poem, quite good. i rather liked it.

I just wonder if you could keep that up for another hundred lines or so.

--
Be God's

member of *penpushers

It sounds scary but pensive. The words on paper and the recording. The emphasiis on the last bit of rhythm 'breeze of burning leaves' was sex for my ears and brain. Yum. I mean, yay. I'm all fucked up from that now.

I feel like it all stems back to a relationship [not necessarily sexual] of the same work but the 'open to wasps and weeds' jarred me int believing in doubts and other monsters of emotional attack. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe you are crazy. Maybe we both belong in a nuthouse where they dont let us post our crazy mutterings on the internet. I don't know. Talk to me about this. It makes me feel like I want to know more.

--
I am the dA mommy - behave.
Suture|OWAT|My Superman